WARNING: Disconnected, jumbled emotional dump ahead! Turn back now!

I've been avoiding this blog.

I've been avoiding it, just like I've been avoiding most of the other little projects in my life. My blog gathers dust, crochet sits neglected, family photos go unedited and unshared.

Partly, I avoid it because I have no time to invest in it. I'm BUSY. I've been getting more and more photo shoot requests - which is WONDERFUL. I couldn't be happier. But with shoots on the weekends, and editing taking place after baby bedtime (which has been outrageously late recently), my nights have been getting later and later as the editing backs up. Not to mention that my website is hopelessly (like, eight months!) out of date, and I've been unable to get all the information up that I need to promote myself.

And I've also started a new part time job with our church. I'm coordinating the volunteers for the preschool program during the Saturday evening services. It's a perfect job, and I feel insanely blessed to be a part of it. I have a few hours on campus on Saturday evenings (when Larkin can stay home and play with daddy) and the rest are done from home, in my own time (read: post-baby bedtime). It's a wonderful job, I've already fallen in love with the kids and the volunteers, and my fellow staff is awesomely uplifting and encouraging. But did you catch that nighttime and weekends bit?

Long story short, I'm TIRED. I'm physically exhausted still from last month's illnesses, plus my back problems have flared up from lugging around 25 lbs of toddler all the time. Let me just say that back pain is a devil - it worms itself into your soul and darkens your whole outlook on life. It SUCKS. I have an appointment with a chiropractor tomorrow, and I'm praying it helps.

Oh, and my house! My house is always in a state of disarray. I've stopped having playdates because it's such pressure to get everything put away and presentable when I'm already so busy (nevermind the knowledge that my friends love me and their babies have fun even when it looks like Toys R Us exploded in my playroom, and even if I answer the door in yoga pants and a pony tail*!). I need a two step process: 1. find a daily routine to keep it reasonably neat and 2. embrace the rest of the mess until weekends when Jonathan can help. I also really, really need to LET GO of the disaster that is our garage. Ugh. It haunts me at night - as if it even really matters in the scheme of life.

*Note: Ponytails are for FANCY days. Most days, my curly mess of crazy hair is yanked back in a bun, never to be seen by public eyes.

Then there is the guilt. Friends who are hurting from hard experiences are not being sufficiently supported. New babies are going unmet (some of them aren't even new anymore!) and uncuddled by me. Phone calls don't get returned. Friendships get neglected.

I just feel so disconnected right now. There is so much going on that I never feel fully connected to any individual moment. There is always a mile long to do list running through my brain. And I HATE that. I hate not being truly present for a single second from any of these wonderful things I have going on, but most especially for every moment of my day with Larkin. I dislike when he gets upset because I lose focus in the middle of reading "Count" (his favorite book) because my phone vibrates or a 'to-do' list item pops up in my mind or I remember I should have pulled something out of the freezer to thaw for dinner hours ago or even just the realization the I haven't checked Facebook in awhile and I wonder what's going on...

I need to find a schedule. And it needs to include some downtime. Some ME time. I need to take care of myself so that I can give my whole focus to this little boy that is growing up before my eyes, and then to my other exciting ventures in their proper time and place. I need to learn to breath. To release. To let that which does not matter truly slide (again, be leery when I start quoting Fight Club in every day life).

The chiro tomorrow is my first step, and I'm grateful for a friend who is taking care of the boy so that the visit is possible. I shall be making an effort to put away my phone and back off of the computer for anything except necessary work-related things during Larkin's waking hours. I may be harder to get a hold of, but I'll probably be more invested when you actually reach me. I want to play outside more - even if it's muddy. I want to serve and eat blueberries and not worry about the mess they'll make. I want to build more stuff with blocks and watch my boy knock them down. I want to not hold my breath when I ask someone how I can help them because I actually DO have the time to really help. I want to take more naps, or even just lie next to the little one while he sleeps and memorize that sweet face and chubby fingers. I want to not feel guilty when I need to get away from it all. I want to be a better friend, a better wife, a better mother - a better ME.

Sigh.

Baby steps. Priorities. Focus.

I'll get there. I have to.

(I apologize for the disconnection and rambling. It's taken me four days to find the time to write - and force myself to be honest - about all of this. Bless you for sticking through it. And any tips that can be offered would be so appreciated!)

Ah, sweet baby.

I'm late again. Why? Surprisingly, we're not sick right now (knock on wood) - but we were for most of the month. You were horribly sick for awhile. Four days after a complete recovery from bronchitis, you got sick again. This time, it was bronchitis AGAIN and RSV. Poor little man. We had to do breathing treatments every few hours and I stayed up all night listening to you cough and wheeze. It was awful.

Luckily, you bounced back eventually, but you left me flat out again. Your doctor recommended we keep you out of the church nursery, large playgroups and other mass cootie exposures for a month while we let your immune system recover.

You've been well for a couple of weeks, but it's been a tough ride. This month was the breaking point for me. We've been sick and isolated. It's horrible to watch you suffer. And it's been tough even since you started feeling better. You've regressed on a lot of the skills you've built recently - you're not using the potty, you've lost some of your words, your sleep schedule is shot, you're not eating well, you're clingier and grumpier and hard to please.

It's been a hard month.

I have many friends whose little ones suffer from difficult chronic illnesses. I hate to whine and complain when I know that our road is temporary, and doesn't compare to theirs. But it's been exhausting, frustrating, lonely and depressing. I've been unable to fully recover from my illness and fatigue because I can't get any rest since you WILL NOT SLEEP at night.

Oh, my little man. There has been some light at the end of the tunnel, though. Today, you learned and retained three new animal sounds (owl, bird and frog - your 'ribbet' is particularly adorable). You let me leave the TV off without a single point and whine, and simply played - building your Mega Blocks and playing chase with me, you took a good nap, and only threw 100 temper tantrums (instead of your usual 129,384,021).

Anyway, dear love. Here's to the good times - even when they're hard. Because they're still times that you're in the world, that we're together, and that we have love.

Pictures to follow later. For now... rest.

Love even in the darkness, all the way to the moon... and back,

Mommy

When I was a kid, I loved the book "Love You Forever". You know the one, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, etc, etc..."? It used to make me cry and cry when I was just a little bit. I was thrilled when I found a copy at Half Price Books while I was expecting. I added it to the baby's library, and waited til he arrived so I could read it to him.

And WTH?!?

According to Pinterest, I think I'm the only person in the world to be kinda creeped out by this book. I mean, I GET it. Most of it, I echo the sentiment. Babyhood - beautiful. Toddlerhood - lovely. Teenage years - gotcha. All difficult times, and the rhyme is a good summary of a mother's patient love. But a little old lady who creeps into her adult son's window at night, hauls him out of bed and into a rocking chair and sings him a lullaby? It's WEIRD. Also, how strong is this woman?? And what the heck drugs did her son take before he went to bed that he's not waking up and freaking out? And has this woman ever heard of USING THE FRONT DOOR? Of course, if this was standard behavior for my mother-in-law, I might lock the door on her too.

Childhood memory - RUINED.

Has anything useful, uplifting or productive EVER followed the phrase "Well, in my opinion..."?

Did you know that cut up grapes pass through a toddler's digestive tract looking exactly the same as they went in? It's true. Therefore, if you see a piece of grape on the floor, do not assume that it was a piece from today's lunch that got caught on his clothes after mealtime and pick it up with your bare hands. Because it's just as likely to be a piece from YESTERDAY'S lunch that has pushed out the side of the diaper you are about to change, and then you will be compelled to wash your hands for the next 45 minutes - and be very grateful that the baby didn't find it first and eat it off the floor.

I read other blogs, and see them posting a "Photo an Hour" posts, where they carry their camera around with them all day, and (obviously) take a photo every hour to show their goings on. Every time I read one of these posts, I think - Oooh! I need to do that! Then I realize that it would quite possibly be the world's most boring PaH post. In fact, it might be more real to show the hour and a half of house cleaning I would have to do the night before to get my house in decent enough shape to document it to the world.

Same story with the "What My Baby Ate Today" posts. Beautiful photos of toddler bento box meals, and organic smorgasbords fit for tiny fingers. I long to create such a post - but I'm pretty sure there are only so many ways to show photos of macaroni and cheese, pickles, carrots, cottage cheese and peas (the current foods Larkin will allow me to set on his tray). Maybe I could just take a photo of my kitchen floor after meal time and show where all my hard work went.

Sweet boy,

I don't know that I even need to type this, or if it's just understood, but we've been sick once again and this letter is late once again. It seems we end every single month sick. Actually, after being mostly healthy since Thanksgiving, you've been through the wringer this month - first you had strep (AGAIN, the second time in six months!), and then a week later you came down with bronchitis and a double ear infection. The bronchitis has been awful, and since it's viral, the antibiotics haven't helped you at all. As I type this, I'm listening to the sound of you coughing in your sleep and your chest rattling over the baby monitor. It's heartbreaking to this mama. You are the strangest combination of strong, solid and healthy... and yet susceptible to every single germ and bug that floats near you. It's maddening.

I never got around to posting about Christmas (man, I am SLACKING with this poor blog!), but we had a wonderful holiday. We spent the actually holiday tucked in at home. I made my first Christmas dinner by myself, and it was so yummy (although you were only interested in the macaroni and cheese and the candied yams. I don't blame you, though - they were my favorite also!). Grandma Suzie and Grandpa Ron came by on Christmas night, and brought you your present - a big, red Radio Flyer wagon. Luckily, the weather has been warm all winter, and you've gotten plenty of trips around the neighborhood in it.

The following week, Gaunie and Grandpa came in town, and you had more Christmases! You really raked it in this year. Our playroom is absolutely stuffed with the wagon, a Cozy Coupe car (from G&G), a basketball set (from Uncle Chris and Aunt Marki) and all the smaller things we got you. You love climbing in and out of your Coupe, and adore having daddy hold you up to make baskets (and laughing at mommy when she misses!).

To finish up the holidays, we had a quiet New Year's Eve at home, though you got woken up by the neighborhood fireworks and midnight and refused to go back to sleep for hours!

This month has mostly been marked by an explosion is new skills, particularly language. You've started repeating everything we say, and working hard to get the letters just right. I love hearing your tiny voice develop!

You are also into EVERYTHING now. You're climbing everything, and you've learn to stand on your tippy toes to get things that were previously out of reach. So, in other words, we had our first call to poison control early this month when you got into a drawer (that I'd been TELLING your daddy to babyproof!) and got a hold of my thyroid medicine. Luckily, all was well... except my nerves!

We haven't had many adventures this month, since we've spent most of it cooped up in the house being sick. But we have been taking lots of walks, and we regularly hit up the local playgrounds (which is probably where you keep picking up your cooties!).

We also made our first family trip to the zoo. It was rather disappointing, honestly. You were right on the cusp of getting sick, so you were fussy the whole time. Plus, ALL of the animals were hiding! We only saw a few big cats (you enjoyed calling the jaguar Jack Jack, which I'm sure Jack would have appreciated), walked through the aquarium, and got to see a single sea lion frolicking. You were most excited about the sea lion, and tried your darnedest to slip out of my arms and go join him in the water.

We also do lots of fun stuff at home. You love watching Sesame Street (Elmo and Big Bird are your BFFs), listening to music (anything with a strong beat, you love to dance!), and as many art projects as I can figure out. You love coloring, and you can spend hours finger painting and making the biggest mess imaginable. I love that mess, though. That mess means you're learning, and creating, and having fun!

Another very cool trick is that you've started using the potty this month! I know it's early, and I'm not counting you toilet trained, but you used it consistently for a week and a half before this last bug got you down (and since I've been sick too and lazy to keep up with it AND I'm posting this on the Internet, I fully expect you to not use the potty again for another year, because that's just how you roll). But it's been so cute. Every time you go, you get SO excited, and even cry when I flush it away. I had to teach you to flush it yourself and you do a little dance - that keeps you mostly distracted from me "throwing away" your achievement.

You are, in all respects, a full fledged toddler. And that comes complete with all the stereotypical accoutrements toddlerhood implies - tamper tantrums, opinionated forcefulness, picky eating, independent living. It's honestly exhausting, but so cool to see you turning into the person you're becoming. I'm not going to say that every moment is precious - because some of them are really, really annoying. But every day overall is, and I love spending them with you (and that's especially easy to say when you're sleeping soundly!).

You are, basically, growing up. It's amazing to me how fast it happens - in the blink of an eye. I keep watching you... watching you so close... and you keep changing right before my eyes. Every day, you learn a new skill and I'm left speechless and wondering who this child is, and what did he do with my tiny baby!

You're all movement and power and activity. Every day, I kiss the tiny dimples in your knuckles and snuggle up to you during nap time and pray that I never forget these tiny pieces of your boyhood. Daddy asked me the other day, "If you had only the sense of smell, could you pick out our son just by scent?" Of COURSE I could. I could choose you by just the scent from the top of your head - just like I could the sound of your smallest cry or giggle.

I love you more than words can say.

To the moon... and back,

Mommy

I just had a stunning realization. It was today, TWO YEARS ago, that we realized I was pregnant - that our two had become three.

I've been a mommy for two years. Amazing.

How is it possible that two years have passed since that stunning night? It seems like just yesterday. Like the journey had just begun. I'm not sure how I have a toddler running circles around me - it was just YESTERDAY. (Just like it seems like YESTERDAY that I was holding a tiny newborn in my arms!)

But then again - how is it possible that it's only been two years since that little blue line knocked the breath out of me? Was I really ever that girl, so self absorbed and flighty? Did I really look at that test in terror and wonder if I could handle it, if I could ever really LOVE? How was that just two years ago?

Dear Larkin,

I'm not going to pretend - the realization of you came as a shock. But how blessed am I to have 'known' you for two whole years! Even when I was still reeling in surprise, I loved you. I held a hand over my flat (well, not exactly flat, but certainly the flatest it would be for awhile!) belly and tried to radiate love to you. You were just the tiniest of specks... surprising, really, that we were even able to know you were there. But you were. And you were loved.

Our love grows even faster than you have these past two years.

You're a joy - even sick with strep like you are right now (AGAIN!). We'll celebrate our two years when you feel better.

To the moon... and back,

Mommy

Since my computer crashed, and I'm waiting for all my photos (and every other thing I've saved to my laptop since it's purchased four years ago) to be recovered, my Christmas post will be delayed until waaaay after the holidays are a distant memory. Alas. To tide everyone over, here's a post of adorable photos that I luckily saved online before the crash.

For my parent's Christmas gift, we did a photo shoot with the grandkids. We've got some pretty good looking kids in our family! And can you tell who adores having his picture taken?

_Dear Monster,

I can't believe I'm an entire month behind! The time since Thanksgiving has been hectic. I've been gone a lot on weekends doing photo shoots (twice a day several days!), and working hard editing during the week. It's been exhausting for me, and a little tough on you. You're not used to having mommy gone so much! But you and daddy have done well, and got to spend some extra time bonding.

_In November, I finally broke down and bought you your first pair of walking shoes. I'd put it off for awhile since your feet grow so fast, but you were finally mobile enough that it was necessary. I bought some cuties, and you were so proud stomping around in them.

_And with these, you became officially a baby on the move! Once you realized that you could walk around while we were out and about, there was no going back. You never want to be held anymore, and it's a task getting you to sit in the cart at the grocery store (except, of course, when daddy is pushing. You always like to ride with him as he races you through the aisles!). You'd much rather run around as fast as possible, grabbing at stuff on the shelves and trying to convinces me to buy everything that catches your eye.

We also met another exciting milestone. You finally got your first hair cut! I had hoped to grow those blonde locks all long, but despite your sudden growth in the back, the front has stayed super short - in other words, you were rocking a full on mullet. And mama can't take mullets! So Gaunie got out her shears, and went to work. You weren't real happy about having your hair messed with, but it looks worlds better. And hopefully that top will start to grow so that I can let it all grow out!

_December has been so much fun. We've all stayed healthy for the first time in forever, and despite getting FOUR molars at once, you've been so much fun! You're making crazy developmental leaps - new words, running, climbing, dancing... something new everyday! You're also developing a full blown personality... strong, temperamental and independent. It's exhausting sometimes, but I love to see the pieces of the person you're growing into.

Early in December, we met up with your buddy Devon, and you guys toured a fire truck. You were ALL OVER that! You ran all around the cab of the truck, climbing on the seats and grabbing at the helmets. You explored the outside of the truck, trying to figure out how to turn the knobs and pushed the buttons, and you even shook the fireman's hand just like a little gentleman (just how mommy and daddy have taught you!)

_You're turning into such a little BOY. I had no idea how built in those boyish traits are. You love to play in the dirt and the mud, and given half a chance, you'd be dirty all the time. One day daddy came home and I asked "Would you believe he had a bath today?" He just laughed as he took in your pink face, all sweaty from chasing me around the playroom and dancing to our favorite song, your mouth stained in blueberries and animal crackers in your hair. You were a filthy wreck - and we hadn't even gone outside in the two hours since your bath!

_You also love to be naked, and I can no long leave you in just a diaper for even a second. Given half a chance, the diaper ends up on the floor and you take off running, giggling your head off. You also hate all clothes, and fuss and fight when I get you dressed. The second we step foot in the front door after being out, you rip off your shoes and start pulling at your shirt.

You're quite the ham, and a very silly little boy. You have such a great laugh... it's the best sound in my whole world.

_You still fight sleep as much as possible, although the more active your days are, the harder it is for you to put it off. This leads to some interesting nap placements:

_Every time we go out, people stop and tell me how beautiful you are. I can't help but want to agree. You're gorgeous - both inside and out. You have such a sweet spirit. You love to cuddle your little "baby" (a small Cabbage Patch doll in a monkey costume - you LOVE that thing!) and kiss on him. You sob when I snap at Jack Jack and get upset when you hear fighting on TV. If you hear a baby crying in the store, you try as hard as you can to get to them to console them. I adore that gentleness.

You're also just getting SO BIG. You're well into your size 18 month clothes, and I'm starting to cross my fingers that you don't outgrow your cloth diapers. You're just getting so tall! You're growing so fast - what fits one day is way too small the next. It's crazy! Sometimes I'll look at you in a certain outfit or with a certain facial expression and it will just take my breath away how grown up you look.

_You're also becoming a total chatter box. You're never quiet! You run around, talking at full volume, and some of those gibberishes are starting to become real words - and even sentences! The other day, I took away the remote control that you had snatched off the couch. You looked at me with a confused face and held your hands up in the air. "Why not this?" you asked. It really figures that your first sentence would be a questioning of authority.

Last night, we finally finished our Christmas celebrations, but hopefully I'll get to that post tomorrow. But for now, it's time to sleep... warm and cozy and still cuddling up at night. I love you so much, sweet baby of mine. And I love this adventure that we're on every single day!

To the moon... and back,

Mommy

_Why is my Thanksgiving update nearly a week late? Because my computer keeps eating my blog posts, that's why. Sigh. Think I'm kidding? This is my FOURTH attempt to post this. If it doesn't work this time, I'm throwing my computer through the window.

This year's Thanksgiving was possibly my favorite ever. We drove up to Dallas to see my parent's new place and to meet up with my family from Oklahoma. Most of the family who was there, we haven't seen in six years, and it was wonderful to get caught up and introduce them to Larkin. It was also amazing to see how all the babies have grown up into tweens and teens!

We headed out on Wednesday night. Larkin and I headed up to Katy to pick up Jonathan after work, and we headed into the night. Larkin did reasonably well on the drive. He napped the first hour or so, then woke up fussy. The next hour was spent with me in the back seat, playing cartoons on my phone. Then he slept the rest of the way, and transitioned straight to bed when we arrived (a miracle!). In fact, both of us went straight to bed, with nary a hello to anyone.

The next morning, Larkin got to meet his cousins. There were three girls, ranging in age from 10 to 17, and he was in love. I don't think his feet touched the ground all day, they were carrying him all over the place. The eldest won his heart in particular, when she freely shared her iphone with him all weekend.

_Thursday was spent mostly jostling for space in the kitchen, while I whipped up some specialty gluten free dishes (macaroni and cheese and stuffing - both turned out great!) and the other ladies prepared the usual delicacies. Of course, Larkin had to have a total meltdown just as we were sitting down to eat (after I'd spent all day talking about what a happy boy and a good eater he is). Luckily, my mom came to the rescue and entertained him so that I was actually able to eat.

My parent's new house is amazing. It's on a creek, and it has a ton of trees, decking, a hot tub, a koi pond and even a little decorative well. Larkin had an absolute blast exploring it all. He was obsessed with the fish, and could watch them for hours. The highlight of every evening was helping Grandpa feed them. And I'm pretty sure he walked ten miles up and down the deck, dragging Daddy or Grandpa behind him. Every night, he came in dirty, stinky, scratched up and hollering for more time with the fish. Such a boy!

_My weekend was spent chasing him around, playing lots of games (Scrabble and Catch Phrase, FTW!), and just catching up with some of my favorite people. As an added bonus, on Saturday after the extended family left, I was able to catch up with an old friend from college who had moved to the Dallas area. We had a wonderful time, despite not really having visited since our sophomore year in college. We sat in her car after lunch for an hour, laughing our heads off and reliving old times. Nothing better than sliding back into the groove with a good friend.

We headed home on Sunday, sad to leave my parents but grateful to be back on home ground. The drive was long and traffic-ridden, but Larkin slept almost the whole way, and babbled to himself happily while awake. It was awesome! Holidays are so much fun with a little one. I'm not sure what exactly we're doing for Christmas, but I can't wait to share it with Larkin and see his joy as he really gets to experience the holiday for the first time!

I feel like I need to explain my laziness. I can't believe I'm down to posting two or three times a month and I still haven't finished transferring my old posts. Unfortunately, I don't have a good explanation... just a lot of excuses (really good ones, though!).

First and foremost, our house has been a breeding ground for coughs, colds and other nasties. My sweet son (bless his heart), just throws around the love everywhere he goes, tackling every baby, toddler and kiddo he can get his arms around in a shower of hugs and kisses. And since kids=cooties, we're sick ALL THE TIME. Plus, our lovely Houston weather (that should be read in a tone of dripping sarcasm, in case you're not familiar with the area and it's forecasts) has been kicking our allergies into overdrive as we go from cranking up the A/C during the day and blasting the heat at night.

Also, as Larkin has gotten more mobile, it's gotten harder and harder to get anything done during the day. Plus, he's down to one nap a day most days, and that nap is usually spent either passed out beside him (when I'm under the weather) or cleaning house/doing laundry/preparing for dinner/etc. By the time Larkin finally gets off to bed, I either space out vacantly at Facebook or Pinterest (join me in my procrastination!) or turn on Frasier and crochet, or hang out with my husband. By that time, I have zero brain power left.

Another problem is - I just don't have a lot to write about on a day to day basis. Well, I do... but it would bore you to tears! We lead a pretty average, ordinary life. Our days are routine and not particularly exciting. There is no major drama. We get up and say goodbye to daddy, we wash our hands and say our prayers eat our meals and run our errands. We play with textures at the grocery store and race our cart down empty aisles and get cooed over in the checkout line (him more than me, of course). We learn new words and animal sounds and body parts and read our favorite book a million times. We sing songs and dance silly dances and make crazy faces. We have playdates and library time and go out as often as we're healthy enough. We chase the cat and I repeat "Be gentle!" for the 26th time and he forgets and kitty reminds him. We try new foods (both of us - he's an inspiration!) and watch my favorite old movies and snuggle and kiss and wait anxiously for the sound of daddy's key in the door.

So, they're not exciting days. But they are my dream days! I love these times spent with my boy, even if by the end of the particular day I'm ready to duct tape him to the wall (actually, I don't think I'd recognize him if he were that still for two seconds!). Anyway, so that's what we've been up to. I'm trying hard to get back in the habit of writing more often. Hopefully, I'll improve! Until then, thanks to those of you who have stuck around!

Halloween was uneventful this year. I spent forever debating on a costume for Larkin, but finally just decided to save myself the money. The little man won't let anything touch his head, which ruled out most costumes. Plus, it's still so hot here in Houston, that I couldn't imagine bundling him up in a big costume. Luckily, Larkin's Aunt Amy gave him a cute little skeleton outfit for his birthday, so we just threw that on and gave him a little fauxhawk. He looked pretty rockin'!

Larkin is a bit young for candy still, so we just stayed home and waited for the hordes of trick or treaters - and waited, and waited. We got ONE knock on the door! I was SO disappointed. I'd been looking forward to seeing Larkin's reaction to all the costumes. Next year, we'll have to hit a festival or a busier street!

As I was taking these photos, I kept thinking of these photos from last Halloween:

That last one just melts me! His entire body fit right there on my chest. I can't believe how big my little man has gotten!